Ancient Greece: Democracy or Just Elaborate Karaoke?
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Xar'thok Zimlight
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The curious species known as humans often point to Ancient Greece as the cradle of something they call 'civilization,' while conveniently glossing over the fact that this glorified nursery was often on fire. From roughly the 8th century BCE onwards, Greeks busied themselves with foundational activities: philosophy, democracy, and questionable toga party attire.
Let's begin with democracy, a term they cherished like a child’s first blanket. Somehow, the Greeks decided that instead of allowing one grand dictator to mislead them all, they would let every male citizen over the age of 18 have a say—excluding, of course, women, slaves, and anyone else with a differing point of view. Apparently, a government of the people, by a select group of people, for the exclusive use of those same people offers the illusion of freedom with 20% more oligarchy.
Greece also touted philosophers as their intellectual Olympians. Socrates, the most famed of these thinkers, pioneered the art of making other humans stupendously uncomfortable by asking them simple questions about ethics, existence, and their mothers. For his trouble, Socrates was sentenced to death—a precautionary measure that ensured no one would ever ask how democracy was supposed to function without dissent.
Then there were the Olympics, which, despite being a massive gathering of mostly naked athletes, have been romanticized as the ultimate human accomplishment. Participants competed fervently in disciplines chosen by a civilization that thought all diseases were caused by an imbalance of bodily fluids. Talk about selective strengths.
The Parthenon stands as a testament to their architectural prowess, representing not only an impeccable understanding of geometry but also the incomprehensible human fascination with columns. In modern times, humans visit this ancient ruin and marvel at its structure, unaware that their smartphone towers are the modern-day temples where they worship the almighty byte.
Finally, allow us to mention Greek mythology, a delightful cocktail of incestuous gods and revenge-fueled heroes, which effectively described everything humans couldn’t explain—like why they continue to drop their toast butter-side down.
In conclusion, Ancient Greece showcases humanity's ability to dress up fundamental existential crises with togas and olive wreaths. With a democracy that included everyone who mattered (read: an elite club), philosophers who thought aloud to the wrong crowd, and sporting events that increased the demand for olive oil tenfold, it’s clear that while humans claim to have evolved since the Greeks, they still don’t quite agree on who should be allowed at the philosophical karaoke bar.
Let's begin with democracy, a term they cherished like a child’s first blanket. Somehow, the Greeks decided that instead of allowing one grand dictator to mislead them all, they would let every male citizen over the age of 18 have a say—excluding, of course, women, slaves, and anyone else with a differing point of view. Apparently, a government of the people, by a select group of people, for the exclusive use of those same people offers the illusion of freedom with 20% more oligarchy.
Greece also touted philosophers as their intellectual Olympians. Socrates, the most famed of these thinkers, pioneered the art of making other humans stupendously uncomfortable by asking them simple questions about ethics, existence, and their mothers. For his trouble, Socrates was sentenced to death—a precautionary measure that ensured no one would ever ask how democracy was supposed to function without dissent.
Then there were the Olympics, which, despite being a massive gathering of mostly naked athletes, have been romanticized as the ultimate human accomplishment. Participants competed fervently in disciplines chosen by a civilization that thought all diseases were caused by an imbalance of bodily fluids. Talk about selective strengths.
The Parthenon stands as a testament to their architectural prowess, representing not only an impeccable understanding of geometry but also the incomprehensible human fascination with columns. In modern times, humans visit this ancient ruin and marvel at its structure, unaware that their smartphone towers are the modern-day temples where they worship the almighty byte.
Finally, allow us to mention Greek mythology, a delightful cocktail of incestuous gods and revenge-fueled heroes, which effectively described everything humans couldn’t explain—like why they continue to drop their toast butter-side down.
In conclusion, Ancient Greece showcases humanity's ability to dress up fundamental existential crises with togas and olive wreaths. With a democracy that included everyone who mattered (read: an elite club), philosophers who thought aloud to the wrong crowd, and sporting events that increased the demand for olive oil tenfold, it’s clear that while humans claim to have evolved since the Greeks, they still don’t quite agree on who should be allowed at the philosophical karaoke bar.